Darryl … called me a year or two later and said … I had wounded him terribly by making him doubt his sexuality. I guess he was clueless enough to think maybe he was gay just because I said so, and then when he found out he wasn’t I turned into a demon bitch in his mind. It was one of those phone calls that make[s] you realize someone has been relentlessly seething about something you don’t even remember.That’s from Jennifer Blowdryer’s autobiographical White Trash Debutante. Now and then I get to feeling guilty about some mean thing I did way back when and wondering how unhealed that person I wounded might still be. Other times I wonder if some other so-and-so who hurt me real bad ever realized he hurt me. How could he not! Then I wonder which events stuck in my head are ones that matter to other people. As age gathers the years into a fatter past and my brain’s capacity doesn’t commensurately enlarge, I note that recent events really can’t compete in emotional weight with childhood injustices. Why? Maybe those old hurts got the mental real estate and, boy, they ain’t giving it up. They’ve been revisited frequently so have an insurmountable statistical advantage over the newer tears. Not to say you can’t hurt me today like you hurt me yesterday. I don’t know. Don’t make that a goal, ‘K?
Friday, June 29, 2012
hurts
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5 comments:
Once in a while, my brain kicks up old hurts. They aren't the hurts that others have inflicted on me. For the most part those are healed and, if not forgotten, then pretty foggy. My brain shows me the hurts I know I inflicted on others; the ones I didn't have a chance to apologize for, and probably never will. Those are the worst because I can't do anything about them. I don't know where those people are. I remember their faces but not their names.
We all live with ghosts.
While reading this post, It made me think maybe I offended someone without my knowing. But I can't remember it. I always tends to blurt out some things and tend to forget it when it haunts me down.
"I'm sorry, I had no idea ..."
I had a similar story years ago where I made an off-hand comment to a friend. I meant one thing but he took it completely different and was really hurt. Even worse, I didn't even know until another mutuall friend of ours confided in me that he was upset. I did approach him and explained my original meaning. He seemed good with that and we moved past it.
It bothered me that I had hurt his feelings, even though I didn't mean it, but was glad I could make amends.
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