Wednesday, February 27, 2008

notes toward an autobiography by others, part 4

Another World: a second anthology of work from the St Mark’s poetry project, edited by Anne Waldman includes a week’s worth of Joe Brainard diary. For “Wednesday” he writes out late night thoughts:

“Here I am again. Not so drunk tonight. But feeling just as lonely and dramatic. … I don’t really know ‘how’ to pick somebody up. And I’m afraid of being rejected. And it’s five minutes after twelve and I’m going to get sleepy very soon. I hope. I wish I was in the middle of a good book. But I finished [the last one I was reading] and I’m not up to getting into a new one right now. I want to live a very wild and exciting life. Why don’t I? I guess I must be chicken. I can’t think of any other reason for not living the way I want to. Unless, perhaps, to protect myself. I wish that nothing mattered to me except having fun. I wish that I wasn’t afraid of being a fool. I wish that I was a stud. I wish that days wouldn’t just evaporate. I hope that I don’t grow old before I realize how terrific I am. I hope that tomorrow won’t make this sound too corny. Tho I know that it will. That it is. And that, actually, I don’t care. That’s what this special diary is all about.”

Yes, I edited out what I couldn’t own myself. That the diary is being written in Greenwich Village, that the book just read was by Genet, and that, “One good thing about me is that I never feel sorry for myself.” Never? Can’t say that!

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